Paid Media

1 – Audience Targeting: Who Are You Talkin’ To, Dummy?

I tell ya, my accountant tried to sell a suit to a fish! A fish! That’s what your targeting looks like if you don’t figure this out. You gotta find the folks who actually wanna buy what you got!

• The Lookalikes (My Rich Uncle): Find the people who look just like your best customers. It’s like finding a guy who looks like he might lend you twenty bucks. The platforms do this for ya. They find people with similar habits, interests, and bad taste in clothes. It’s beautiful!
• The Interests (What They’re Up To): Are they into knitting? Are they into complaining about their spouse? Figure out what keeps them busy. If you sell knitting needles, don’t show the ad to the guy who only watches competitive eating videos. Unless he needs a new hobby, I dunno!
• The Custom Segments (My In-Laws): Upload your own customer list! If they bought once, they might buy again. And if you’re like me, you got a list of people who owe you money. Target them! They can pay you back by buying your product! It’s genius!

2 – Keyword Strategy: What’s the Magic Word?

I tell ya, I search for “cheap vacations” and they show me an ad for a yacht! A yacht! They don’t know me at all! You gotta pick the right words, or you’re just wasting money on keywords that are fancier than your budget.

• The Head Terms (The Big Shots): These are short, general words, like “shoes” or “coffee.” They cost a fortune! It’s like trying to get a reservation at the best restaurant. Only use them if you got deep pockets or a rich, generous relative (I don’t).
• The Long-Tail (The Little Guys): These are longer phrases, like “comfortable brown leather walking shoes for wide feet.” Nobody searches for that! Except the people who really want them! They’re cheaper and bring in the right customers. It’s like finding a dollar on the street—it’s small, but it adds up!
• The Negative Keywords (The Stuff You Don’t Want): This is the most important part! If you sell new cars, you gotta tell the search engine, “Hey, I don’t want to show up for ‘used’ or ‘broken down’ or ‘free’!” Otherwise, you’re paying to show your nice ad to a bunch of broke jokers. Like me!

3 – Budgeting: Don’t Go Broke!

I tell ya, my wallet is so thin, I had to glue a picture of a twenty dollar bill on the inside just to feel rich! Don’t let your budget get that thin. You gotta spend smart.

• The CPA (Cost Per Acquisition): Figure out what you can afford to pay to get one customer. If your product costs fifty bucks and it costs you sixty to sell it, I gotta tell ya, you’re losing money. It’s a bad joke! Know your numbers!
• The Test Budget (The Little Fiver): Don’t blow your whole wad on the first day! Start small. Treat your first budget like betting on a horse race—you put a little down, see which horse (or ad!) is fast, and then you put the big money on the winner!
• The Daily Cap (The Lifeline): Set a daily limit! If your ads suddenly go wild and start spending all your money at 3 AM, the daily cap saves ya. It’s like a bouncer at a party—when you’ve had too much, it cuts you off. Good for your wallet, bad for your fun!

Alright, now go out there and spend some money! But spend it smart! I tell ya, I’ll still get no respect, but at least your conversion rate won’t be as ugly as my face! Thank you, thank you, you’re too kind! And seriously, what about that cat video?!