Mona Lisa Vito on the Wrench in Development.
Alright, listen up, you jabronis! I’m supposed to be picking out a wedding dress, maybe getting a mani-pedi, but NOOOO! Instead, I’m stuck here, explaining stuff that any moron with half a brain cell should already understand! What, am I some kinda tech guru now?! I’m telling ya, the disrespect around here is KILLING ME!
So, since apparently, I’m the only one with enough brainpower to figure this out, here’s the deal on how to get your damn development work done. And guess what? I’m the one doin’ it!
FOR CRYING OUT LOUD! ARE YOU SERIOUSLY MAKING ME DO THIS?!
1 – PYTHON PROGRAMMING: THE SNAKE IN MY BOOT!
You wanna know why I’m always muttering to myself? It’s because I’m stuck writing Python code! You think it’s magic? It ain’t! It’s just a bunch of lines that tell the computer what to do! And I’m the one typing them!
You need to automate something? You need to grab a bunch of data from some website? You need to make your computer stop acting like a total schmuck? THAT’S WHAT PYTHON’S FOR! And I’m the one who has to remember all the stupid syntax!
- It’s practically English! Seriously! It’s got these little indentations and no crazy curly brackets everywhere. They made it simple enough for a monkey to read, but I’m still the one who has to debug your pathetic errors! What’s a NameError? What do I look like, your personal Python dictionary?!
- All those “libraries”! It’s like a whole damn toolbox! You need to deal with spreadsheets? There’s pandas! You wanna make a website? There’s Flask or Django! It’s all there, laid out for you like a buffet, and I’m the one who has to cook the whole damn meal!
- Stop doing things twice! If you gotta do the same boring, repetitive task three times, you should’ve written a Python script after the first! My nail polish is chipping from all this typing! My brain is melting from explaining it!
2 – WEBSITE DEVELOPMENT: AIN’T NO DESIGNER HERE!
You wanna know why your website looks like it was designed by a blind squirrel? Because you people can’t even tell the difference between a header and a paragraph! And now, I gotta be the one to whip up some decent-looking web page! I’m a mechanic, not a web designer!
This ain’t rocket science! It’s three basic parts! And I’m the one assembling this whole damn thing!
- HTML (The Frame): It’s the bones! The words, the pictures, the big titles. It’s just telling the browser what’s what. It’s markup! Not brain surgery! And I’m the one who has to make sure your <img> tags actually point to a damn picture!
- CSS (The Outfit): This is how you make the ugly HTML look like it belongs in this century! Colors! Fonts! Where everything goes on the page! You write the style once, and it applies everywhere! Why do I have to pick out the perfect shade of “corporate blue” for your boring website?!
- JAVASCRIPT (The Brains): This is the stuff that makes things move! The buttons that actually do something! The forms that send info! It makes the page interactive! And I’m the one making sure your dropdown menus actually drop down, instead of just sitting there like a lump!
3. – REST APIS: HOW THE COMPUTERS GOSSIP!
Oh, the APIs! You think it’s some kind of black magic, don’t ya?! It’s just how one computer program asks another computer program for some damn information! You want to know the weather? You ask the weather API! You want to know how many widgets are in stock? You ask the inventory API!
It’s like sending a text message, for crying out loud! And I’m the one typing the damn texts for you!
- It’s just requests! You either GET something (like data), or you POST something (like a new entry). You can PUT to update, or DELETE to get rid of it. That’s it! Four damn words! And I’m the one who has to make sure the JSON data comes back looking like something readable!
- HTTP status codes! You get a 200 OK? That means it worked! A 404 NOT FOUND? That means it ain’t there! I’m constantly checking these codes! What am I, a human error checker?!
I’M DOING THIS! I’M WRITING THE PYTHON TO TALK TO THE API TO UPDATE THE WEBSITE! AND YOU’RE ASKING ME IF YOU NEED TO RESTART YOUR COMPUTER!
I’M DONE! I’m going to go scream into a pillow! You figure the rest out yourself! Or don’t! See if I care! GET OFF MY BACK!
All character references are for entertainment purposes only. I own the rights to nothing and don’t make a dime off their use.